Lowest on the Totem Pole

I think that even as of a few months ago I felt like I was always apologizing, I was, to draw from some old symbolism of my own, a fetus. Incapable of doing almost anything at work on my lonesome. And you know, even before I was born I still had my built-in partner-in-crime, my twin sister. Today, I realize that there are a lot of things I am able to do as someone who primarily works with our primary service population that my supervisors can't do. There's a lot of change and good I make, and that's one of the reasons I can't for the life of me worry and fret over politicians--I make change at a grassroots-level. That's what I am lucky enough to get to do for a living. I have so much to learn. I mean, my brain isn't even fully-developed, I'm still a teenager in there. Connections are still being forged. And even though I don't help interview summer staff, or write the June training schedule, I still get an awful-lot of self-determination in my position every day. I get to make suggestions, set precidents (like sending things in PDF), and share the knowledge I do have with my colleagues. It's not a whole lot, and I am in awe 99% of the time at the experience, knowledge, and common sense held by my co-workers and supervisors. There are also unique things I bring to my work. Coming from art school, having the ability to sew, having the ability to design publications and format files into portable documents to e-mail. I like that there are some things uniquely mine, and yet so much of what I am experiencing are things that all my colleagues have experienced, too. And they can't just tell me what they learned, because that's not how lessons are best learned. I have to experience these things for myself. Sure, there are growing pains, and times I feel incompetent or out of my element. I also need to have faith that my colleagues wouldn't put me in a place that I would flounder. Oh, also, I have to get in shape and do more backpacking. Totally do-able. I didn't think I could ever swim the 550 but I have that thing nailed (even if my breaststroke form is TERRIBLE). As frustrating as the stubborn streak that runs in my family is, that's the same stubborn streak that helps me accomplish challenging tasks. I might WANT to give up on them sometime. And some days, I do. But I'm a pretty tenacious person. I don't have anything against me like half my kids have against them in the inner-city. Woosah.

It's 5 AM here in Vancouver, WA

Intrepid readers, I was awoken while sleeping by my coughing, got into the shower to try and loosen some of the shit in my lungs. I tried to go back to bed and just creaked open the laptop and kept coughing. Not really a problem, if I was staying at the Hilton on my own. Instead of keeping my sometimes-supervisor Heather up through the remaining wee hours, I put on my bra and Five Fingers, finger-combed my moist tresses and here I sit in the Hilton lobby. (Digression: They re-sized women's FiveFingers, where the W40 are a little large for me the NEW W40 fit me perfectly at the heel. They also come in blue and leaf-green with grey.) Yesterday was my first day at my first international AEE conference, and the first session I went to was on the postmodern student, to me the solution to the student that wants to smoke on expedition or bring iPods, I would bring that back to the student. How do you think that will change your experience? That of your peers? And you blend it, saying things like, when I have my iPod on, I tend to have a harder time paying attention to others; how does wearing your iPod affect you? Also, my supervisor Dave recently told me that it is valuable to seek to understand, then be understood, to create a healthy repor and relationships. Coming to this conference shows me where my organization is really quite strong (I was well-trained as a facilitator), and where we are lacking (inter-organization communicaton, well-defined positions, poor utilization of resources at times, diversity of staff and recruiting of alumni). This has very little to do with me, being a peon at the front-lines. I work with students in schools and on-property, and I really make change. However you can train people to be in my position. People need to grow and have experience to hold the positions which are currently open, so there's not a lot I can do to help. As far as conferences go, I think this conference is pretty fantastic, and I am thrilled that The Ivy sent 8 individuals to learn and grow from it.

Lots of choices!

I just finished putting my resume onto higheredjobs.com. I'm getting my Wilderness First Responder in March, but I don't have enough climbing experience to work with Educo, and I can spend my summer applying for fall jobs, which can be either reslife or part time reslife and outdoor ed or all outdoor ed. There are advantages and disadvantages to wanting to do many things with your life. You can always mix it up, there are forever options for places you can look for work, you have lots of unique skills that set you apart from a typical job applicant. The disadvantage is that I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions simultaneously. Once again, I am the girl who thinks she can have everything she wants. I think I can be leading young people on wilderness adventures, and saving up money and living on-campus someplace. Reality is, it's probably got to be one or the other. I am thinking of going back to the camp I worked at last year for the summer simply because it will be easy. It will be doing something I know (even if camp is never easy 'cause of the long hours and low pay), and I will be able to concentrate on finishing thesis and packing up my Baltimore life into a couple door-to-door storage units before heading out to beautiful Northern Colorado. I'd love to see the girls who were in my camps last year, I'd love to work with Blue, who's a great peer leader and will be at her third year at this camp. There are so many little reasons that it makes sense to go back. It'll be nice to leave some things behind, lighten my emotional load, and be someplace completely different after graduation. Openings aren't up yet for the fall positions at colleges and universities, but I've got a start. I've got to try and leave my club at least as good as I got it a few years ago, and I gotta fledge from the place I love at some point. The date I went on the other night, I basically did the admissions schpiel for him as I showed him my campus and introduced him to fellow MICAns and grads at the local pub over some cider. I love the place that I chose to go to school, and I hope to one day work for an institution that inspires some of the same feelings in their students, for the same reasons it did for me: MICA was a place where I could fumble, learn, make mistakes, and start to grow up. And if I don't leave it, I'm never going to be who I'm supposed to.

Reminder to friends who are graduating--

Don't forget to save reciepts for art supplies and certain tools and furniture (starting January 1st) since you'll likely be filing as an independent on tax returns next year! Hooray! I had DA re-training today but we got out super-early, so I'll be unpacking and getting together a couple bags for goodwill of clothes that I'm no longer wearing. Cleaning, etc. I got a new iron for Christmas so I'm kind of excited about that. It's very dry in my apartment building because of the type of furnace, and as soon as I left my parents' place I started getting this respiratory thing so hopefully I can get some hot water up in my shower and unclog. Also planning on heading out to the studio today, and maybe getting my tire fixed down in Fell's Point.