Six down, ten to go. Job hunt rant ahead.

Three more applications out the door! I wish I had more of a handle on how many more people are still looking for reslife jobs and how many more there will be, because it feels like there's not a whole lot of new jobs going up at the moment (I'm searching at the Chronicle of Higher Ed and Higher Ed Jobs). Of course, people are also snagging jobs at their colleges which will soon be their alma maters, so for me it looks like taking a summer job is getting to be a better and better solution. Still haven't applied to outward bound baltimore, I suppose I'll get on that and be done in the next hour on that. Maybe there is still a chance I can be a assistant instructor for the summer and maybe even into the fall. I could always apply for Semester At Sea, but I don't know that I want to be on a boat for that long. Even I draw the line someplace. Few greater are the buzz-kills to graduation than actually having to move and find a job, decide where to settle or how the heck I'm going to make my way. In addition, the job I'm applying to at my own school has gotten no response to me. I've seen the heads of reslife and student affairs more than a few times but have no idea where I stand, if I stand at all as a candidate. I would really love to know whether or not I'm even in the running, considering in the past my performance has been less than perfect as an employee of residence life (I've learned! I swear!). But I tell a lot of my friends and acquaintances that I applied, and they are excited about me potentially being around. It doesn't hurt that my love Megan, my own RA from my freshman year, has decided not to compete with me for the position, a huge sigh of relief, though word on the street is the position is not free of competitors. But I know that I want what's best for the residents. Recently MICA ResLife redid it's goals, and I have to say that if this is how Scott's running the joint now, then I want in! We will offer the best housing program in the country for students specializing in the education of visual artists. (okay, the grammar could use some work)) We will become experts on our students. We will appreciate the gifts that they bring to our community and educate ourselves on perennial challenge areas within this distinctive population. We will share what we have learned with our colleagues through both publications and presentations. We will keep an open mind, promote inclusiveness, and challenge expressions of intolerance. We will educate the whole student. We will provide an atmosphere, augmented by structured activities, that encourages introspective exploration and personal growth. We will promote personal and community accountability, model effective communication, and stress the importance of responsible citizenship. We will be teachers, students, advocates, and allies. We will dedicate ourselves to issues of accessibility and excel in serving students of all abilities. (One I'd personally like to see in student affairs and academic affairs here at MICA). What did you/do you like about your on-campus college experience?

Applications just may be the death of me

I can't even imagine applying for jobs before the internet, as young as that makes me sound. Even so, of my 12+ schools I'm applying for full-time positions for this fall, only a few are accepting online applications without any supplements. Seriously? Well, anyway, here's my cover letter-- April 3, 2008 To the House Director search committee: I am seeking a position that will allow me to continue to work with a diverse population of college students and employment as a house director at Hampshire College would be an important step on my journey as a student affairs professional. My skills and experiences coincide with the description of responsibilities of a house director. Attached are my application materials, including my resume and a list of professional references. Highly-visible, friendly and compassionate student affairs professionals help provide students with an education that is well-rounded and not just academic in nature. It is my personal commitment to the development and support of the whole student that would make me a strong asset to your residence life team and coincides with the goals of Hampshire College. Of particular interest will be my varied experiences in leadership, residence life, and programming in the context of a small private institution. My passion for working with college students stems from my time at the Maryland Institute College of Art as an involved undergraduate student and residential community advisor. Four years at MICA have given me a dynamic education as both a fibers artist and creative problem-solver, but I knew when I was putting off hitting the studio for planning programs or spending time with my residents, that I had a greater desire and energy to serve full-time in the field of student affairs than pursue a career as a fine artist. In addition to my art and residence life background, I also have experiential education, team-building, crisis management and conflict resolution skills from my work in the outdoors and camp environments. Given the diverse skill-sets outlined in my resume, I am well-prepared to embrace a broad range of roles that would likely be required of me at a small liberal arts school like Hampshire College. Many thanks to the committee in advance considering my application. I would be delighted to further discuss my skills and qualifications, and I look forward to the possibility of serving your institution and students this upcoming year. Respectfully yours, Elle I really hope I get some call-backs for these applications. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening working on them, I spent the entire day working on the cover letter, but now that cover letter has to be re-written for every single school with the appropriate things changed, most hall director letters will be very similar but the more student-activities type positions will need a decent overhaul. I feel like I'm applying for so many positions, but I have no idea what the competition is like. All I know is that I have three summer job offers, and I probably can't take any of them (all outdoor jobs) because for student affairs jobs you start in the summer and help put training together for the fall RA's. I have simply got to be just the person SOMEONE is looking for, and if fate is kind, hopefully I'll get in touch with them or didn't throw out the application already. PS: I made Boinkable links again today with my Kevin Smith-Chasing Amy entry. I am feeling the love from Richard Blakeley at the cute/dirty/smart sex-positive blog these days, and y'all know the quickest way to a girls' heart is to link to a post of hers on a highly trafficked site.

Two guys, one girl.

No, not an allusion to a blue film. Yesterday was the practical exam for the R.A.D. class I just took at MICA, and I got to do two scenarios. The first was a simple walk-by, my aggressor grabbed my wrist and I had to get away from him. The second scenario was one in which I was confronted by one attacker and an accomplice tried to get me from the back, it was a surprise and I didn't realize they would actually send both guys after me. Needless to say, I thoroughly trounced them, there was much knee-ing in the groin and that sort of thing, a punch in the face and one was down, a couple more kicks to the groin and some elbows and the other guy was stunned enough for me to get to my "safe" zone. I was really excited to see myself and one of my co-RCA's from last year do more advanced scenarios and really kick ass at them. What I lacked mostly was verbal warnings with every strike, which is an important thing to do to get attention from witnesses. Sunny used to be quiet, meek, and now she's a pretty scary woman who reminds me of Lucy Liu and isn't afrad to use spear-fingers to gouge a dude's eye out.

Now I can continue making break-up art.

The boy off-and-on for nearly 2 years and I are no more. And, unlike the last time when this happened, it was a mutual decision. And I'm not going to do the crazy things I did last time this happened. His birthday is December 28th, and it seems fitting that while we were not dating this summer he sent me a pretty awesome birthday package at camp (notebooks, Let's Get Primitive, collapsible chop-sticks, Luna bars, can't really recall what else at the moment...), and I'm going to do the same. Luckily, this go-round our lives (though not our evenings) were less entrenched, and I still have a lot of support both here in So Cal and back in Baltimore, which wasn't the case when I was an RA last January. Anyway, now I can finish my break-up hair quilt, and do the performance piece where print-outs of e-mails are produced and shredded ad inifinitum. In time, when I've processed enough, hopefully we'll be able to be friends, not just friendly. For now, however, my heart aches, and my eyes are sore, and I'm not going to be able to talk to him everyday (though I will still play Scrabulous against him), but I think I know this time in a way I didn't a year ago that I'm gonna be okay.

I'm back!

Ahh, remember the good ol' days when people took "breaks" from el-jay land because of the high drama quotient? Luckily, there's not been much drama, other than I didn't apologize as much as I wanted to for yom kippur, and I got all kinds of sick and thus my apartment is a mess, etc., and I'm somewhat behind in classes AND super busy this week AND my studio-mate may be replaced by up to three fibers juniors (my studio! mine!), I wasn't able to fast fully, every week whizzes by and I can hardly even see what's going on it's such a blur. Luckily, workload's not killer this semester. I know my getting sick/being a wuss will generally catch up with me, that I will have to pay the piper for not jumping headfirst into some long-term projects, however, unlike last year where I was trying to do every single job on the planet and having loads of relationship-related anxiety, this year is calmer, easier. Lindsay is not quite Zen-master Lindsay, but with a little bit of tea ceremony and a summer in the mountains, she's pretty different than the Lindsay of sophomore year. At least in experience--YMMV. Where last year falling asleep for 4 hours mid-day may have meant missing the time to get the duty phone or not being able to print because of RCA programming and duty responsibilities, now it just means I fell asleep for a couple hours. It's okay, really. And somehow, I know whatever comes come graduation in May, I'll be game. So very game.

Sordid student affair

A recent comment from my friend Susan (who blogs about oxytocin at hugthemonkey.com) sort of is spurring the following entry (original post here). Susan, you asked me why student affairs and not art? First, I'm going to say that I have a friend who graduated from MICA, who got a Fulbright to study textiles in India, came back to MICA to finish the masters in arts for teaching program and served as a graduate assistant to ResLife, and then decided she didn't want to finish MAT, and she became the assistant residential coordinator. Now she's leaving MICA to persue textile design, but she really contributed as a staff member because she went to MICA as an undergrad, and she understood the needs of the students and student-staff so much better than non-MICA-grad staff. The last two years have added a lot of items to her resume, given her tons of responsibility and leadership experience, put her in a position to effect students at her alma mater, and been an important bridge between art students and the professional staff. She's pretty much my hero. She didn't do the whole reslife thing as an RA when she went to MICA, she had the student experience, and now she's had the professional experience. That being said, I want to work more than two years she's spent in student affairs. I don't know that I have enough that I want to say with my art right now, or enough that I want to share, to be an artist full-time. I'm also seeing the possibility that I'll live long enough to have two full careers. After all, student affairs does have a really high burnout rate. In terms of money and lifestyle, student affairs, I feel like, is something I could do for a while, since I love dorms and college students and campus life, but not neccessarily forever. I don't know that student affairs is all that lucrative, though I know somewhere is always hiring due to aforementioned high burnout. Right now, this is my plan: Summer 2007, get lifeguard, cpr, first aid certification May 2008, graduate with BFA in Fibers, concentration in experimental fashion Apply for Marburg and Fullbrghts (grants for artists to study abroad) Summer 2008, spend summer outside being outdoorsy, camping, canoe trips, etc. at a summer camp. Though this position doesn't relate directly to student affairs, but it's leadership experience in a role with a lot of responsibility, and is potentially a source of some amazing references. Fall 2008, look for jobs in student affairs like hall director, assistant hall director, especially at institutions that work with student affairs graduate students. While I do have a certain fear of failure as a designer or fine artist, I know that I'm good at that, I know that I'd be a pretty good art teacher, and would love to teach high school students in visual/performing arts programs like the one I was at for the first two years of high school. Those teachers changed the course of my life from fisheries/wildlife management to getting a BFA in art school. I became obsessed with the idea of art school, and my parents have been instrumental in making this dream come true for me. It has been a wild, crazy experience, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's also been brought to my attention that I'm stubborn. I come from a long line of stubborn individuals. And while a certain part of me wants to work in student affairs to prove to myself that I can do it, to get over what happened this year, that's absolutely not the driving force. The driving force is that I want to help students the way that RA's and Area Coordinators and Residential Coordinators I know helped me. And I have a passion for it that surpasses that I have for creating art. There were times this year where it was so easy for me to choose to prioritize programming and residents over my own studio art work. Funnily enough, this occured to me in January-February, when J broke up with me and I was looking for all the other things that meant something to me in my life. And I found my residents as bringing me that joy and becoming that community I was looking for. In my mind, I have little interest in working at a not-art school, or in a residence hall for science and physical education students. There are a few dozen high-tier academy art schools in the United States. Working at an art school means I'm still in that community of artists. A lot of time, professional staff get to take a class or two for free or a reduced cost per semester (which does double duty of being not just The Man on campus, you're also someone's classmate). There are art graduate programs at these schools, which is something I'd have to think about to teach art at the college level. Were my parents glad to hear that I was thinking about going into student affairs? Of course. It's got benefits, which are the holy grail for those who've graduated with a bachelors in fine arts. But for so many reasons it makes sense, and feels like the right place for me. I've got interests in multicultural and ethnic affairs, issues of diversity and inclusion on campus, I feel passionately about disability services, I love programming and student activities, and of course have a high interest in the communities of artists living together that on-campus housing represents. And I see little reason that I can't develop a studio practice of my own and continue making art in the context of working in student affairs for 8 to 10 years. I'm also willing to forgive myself for screwing up the RCA thing this year. It's not the end of my involvement here, and I learned a lot, even if it was the hard way.

"I don't know where it comes from, but I just have the feeding gene." -Nigela Lawson I feel the very same way. I went to the doctor today and they think I have a virus, so I've got a note to stay out of classes and away from people. I'm eating egg drop soup, sitting in bed watching Foodography on Nigela Lawson, who's certainly my favourite food personality. The show's just goregous, so casual yet fabulous, the real richness of home cooking comes through so beautifully. Whilst at the doc, I snatched a bunch of latex gloves. Yes, I have a ton of rubber pink and orange kitchen gloves I got in Reading, PA. But, there's something about medical gloves that reminds me so much of my parents, who are veterinarians. They were something always around, I love their sort of velvety, thin texture on my hands when working on fibers. I looked up the RA who replaced me, and it's funny what a small world we live in. The same fantasy series I loved as an adolescent, and the same hometown. As much as I'd love to hate her, it just doesn't make sense. If anything, there's a lot in common, and we both probably want what's best for the residents. But I'll give myself some more time. There's no hurry, it's something I have to be certain of. Has anyone got an amazing biscotti recipe?

Today was amazing.

Last night on a late-night adventure to the Wal-Mart in Port Covington, Baltimore, the roomies and I got some neccessities, food, etc., and I went ahead and purchased the lovely Meg Ryan and Tim Robbins rom-com I.Q. (1994). I started watching it last night, fell asleep, and finished it this morning with freshly made dried-cherry chocolate-chip popular muffins (variation on the typical Betty Crocker 1969 popular muffins recipe, of my own creation). Once I finally got rolling, some scrambled eggs and another muffin later, and got the roommates up and running, we took a long-awaited trip to Fells Point, in Baltimore. We took the 13 bus all the way to Wolfe and Fleet Streets, where we were just a couple blocks from our final destinations. Bought cheap bread at H&S bakery outlet, got cilantro and queso fresco at a mexican market, bought fresh tortillas at a tortilleria. It was pretty amazing, there was a lot of bonding with the new girls. I also got a pack of rainbow light Nat Shermans for special occasions. They're lovely, really beautiful, wonderfully packaged. The girls are pretty open, and that's great for me. The day was full of inside-jokes, insights and explainations, and getting out of the MICA bubble. We finished up as the sun went down, Dominique took tons of photos, Ally ogled the mexicanos. A great day all-in-all, if not particularly productive. But, now that I was dooced, I'm not really as obliged to others. I get to be myself for myself. And while that's really nice right now, I can't say I don't miss my residents.

All's Quiet on the Eastern Front

I'm slightly behind on my blogging, which is truly sort of tragic since so much has been going on. Of course, I've been living my life instead of blogging about it, but I'm not forgetting about blogging, and I've made lots of mobile photo posts while living my life, even if I haven't written about them yet. I'm all moved-in to the new place, left my apartment in the Commons pretty damn barren, which is always sort of a flashback to pre-college, or the end of the summer, or moving in freshman year. Unlike last times I moved, I actually managed my time and packing pretty well, and even spackeld all the holes I put in my wall and removed the anchors. Still, hard to believe I'm probably not going to be living in the Commons, MICA's freshman dorms, ever again. I have a real spot in my heart for that place. It snowed again on Tuesday, which is sort of exciting. This time it was real, Maryland snow, light and powdery and not for packing, unlike when I went sledding with my residents a couple weeks ago. Anyway, gotta fold laundry, unpack, and hope my bag of electronics shows up at some point. I miss being an RCA allready, but it's nice to be able to just be a student, too. And I know I'm not, nor will I ever be, "just a student." More on that later.

A recent e-mail from my aunt: Life is full of disappointments, sorry to say, and hopefully this will be your worst. You know what "they" say, it's better to have loved and lost...then never to have loved at all! Life is a risk...we all have to be brave enough to take them and learn from them. Some day, we will talk about Jeff and you will learn how many times he has loved and lost, but never gives up the quest to find the person he can make a life with. It's funny, because at this point I'm getting over the loss of romantic love, I'm starting to get over the ideal/idol complex of that person (J) being The One, moving on in some pretty significant strides. But, from where I sit right now, I would have made a damn fine RA next year, and I continue to be stunned in the turn of events. If Residence Life defends itself from me by asking me to resign as a course of action, if they choose to do that as opposed to defending all the good I've done in this job, and that I still have a ton to offer residents, then ResLife isn't making the right decisions. ResLife needs to be about students first, and not about keeping it's pristine reputation. The one thing this job truly lacked for me was a feeling of understanding and humanity on a regular basis...sometimes I feel like it's more of a business (business of making parents of under-classmen at MICA happy with their students' living situations) than an art (the art of helping students develop as individuals by advising on conflict resolution, educating, programming effectively, and enforcing policies). I screwed up, in more ways than one, but it's not my fault if a resident makes a poor decision for the last time. When does bureaucray and appearances take a back seat to doing the -real- work, the kind that cannot be measured or administered like disciplinary actions? When does a resident have to defend making the same mistake over and over, and everyone knowing about it? As a department, when does Residence Life genuinely choose care of students over care of the department? I know the two are intertwined hopelessly, but people make mistakes. Residents do, residents get second, third, fourth chances. When does Residence Life realize that RA's are just as much works-in-progress as our residents? The thing that frustrates me the most is that I've worked so hard on building personal relationships with my residents in the past two months, in really understanding them, opening up for them a little and recieving the same sort of opening up from them. Whatever blog posts I made that may have tarnished reputations, my own and those of others, appear to be long gone. Not a single resident of mine has guessed accurately why I was asked to resign, not by a long shot. In the course of thirty hours, where the public at large had access to various and sundry entries for which I would later be dooced, 18 people TOTAL spent more than 0:09 (nine seconds) on my blog's site. I just find it hard to believe that if a resident points out a poor decision made by an RA (that didn't threaten lives and was an honest mis-take) while being met with over something that they did wrong (incense, drinking, pot, throwing things off of balconies, whatever), that Residence Life can't take the position of "That's his/her poor decision, and they have to answer for it just like you have to; Now, let's talk about the better choice(s) you coul have made." Maybe if Residence Life at MICA allowed my mistake, allowed me to own up to it to my residents, say what I did and what I should have done, maybe ResLife at MICA wouldn't be seen as the sort of "police force" it's construed as on a whole. RCA's here are trained not to ignore situations or not report incidents, but it shouldn't be because of being threatened into doing it, it should be for genuine care of well-being of the residents. Eighteen people read my blog after I posted the link on my Facebook profile, and before I un-published some unsavory entries. I know the names of at least six or seven of those. That's 12-13 (consider they each found it so fascinating they told a room-mate: 24-26) residents who "read" my screw-up(s). Out of a few hundred freshmen, at least 45 of whom are my residents and know me well, and another couple dozen who I know well even though they aren't in my community, which really makes the bigger impact? Why can't we be human as RA's, so that our faults and successes are both paid attention to, as opposed to being beacons of light, on which one speck of dirt is an abomination of a distraction? What would happen if ResLife had a blog? What would happen if the list of the incidents, minus names, was posted each week for all to see? I'm just questioning some of the lack of open-ness that's going on here, because 1) It's not like residents are completely imperceptive as to staff dynamics/conflict on staff when it's not brought up to them, and 2) Maybe if Residence Life operated in a thoroughly resident-centered manner, in ALL things, we wouldn't have a whole lot to hide. They'd always do what was best for the residents. A little overly simple, perhaps, as there are certainly cases where it's student versus student(s), but, again, what's so bad about transparency? The reason blogging is so worthwhile to people of my generation is that by giving information openly, there are a lot of gains to be made. Attention, better understanding, releasing feelings. Pretty soon, there will be no un-tarnished MySpace or Facebook for potential employers to look at; this sort of over-sharing instantly is something so characteristic of this generation, and pretty much everyone will screw up eventually. It seems to me that in Student Affairs (in general, not just MICA) rules and procedures are put into place to protect the physical and mental health of residents/the student body and encourage healthy growth and development. But should it be at the cost of the physical and mental health of student-staff? Considering my role as a student leader, doesn't MICA have just as much invested in my well-being as that of a acting-out/misbehaving resident? I guess I just wish someone had told me that by becoming an RA, I would have to cope with everything really well, and that chances given to other members of the student body would no longer be available to me as a member of student staff. I still woulda done it, I still may have even fucked up, but at least I'd have been a little better prepared for being asked to resign. Or maybe not. Maybe it's similar to love in that nobody can warn you how much it's going to hurt, or how you couldn't even have helped screwing up, so full of passion were you ('omg! I did a good job at policy enforcement! I'm not a failure!'). Everyone can try and warn you, but it'll blindside you just the same. And you won't be the same person in love as you were before it. And you won't be the same person after losing something so precious as you were when you "had it all." Whew. And, I'm spent. I'm sure I'll feel very differently while at grad school for these things, and maybe I'll understand my superiors better, but I'm still sort of in shock, truth be told.

Ladies and Gents, I was Dooced!

Today, I found out that an amateur artist/teacher in Brooklyn online acquaintence of mine is having a baby with his girlfriend, to which I say "HOLY CRAP!" But, it's reassuring that even as my life as I know it has fallen apart in the last two weeks, people are still having babies, meeting future in-laws, and otherwise getting on with existence. Which brings me to the bomb-dropping section of this blog. I was asked to resign from my position as a Residential Community Advisor in the freshman dorms at MICA in not-a-small-part because of this blog. I know what computers accessed the entries I probably should have left unpublished, I know how many were residents and how many were staff members and how many were friends outside of the MICA bubble, but ResLife is covering themselves, and I don't really blame them. Which means come spring break, once all the residents are off to the airport and Greyhound stations, I will be moving into the Meyerhoff house residence hall, and I have allready lost my keys to the ResCoordinator's office, any duties and programs I had scheduled, and the free meal plan and housing. For those who are counting, ResLife 1, Lindsay 0. Breaking up with my boyfriend was the best thing that could happen for my performance with my residents, but things on staff didn't work out as well. It's really frustrating that my love of this work is not enough to let me keep my job. But, on the plus side, now I only have two jobs, will get a full-size loft bed and an apartment I can smoke cloves in, have tons of free time, and get cable channels on my sweet 27" Samsung. But not being an RA is a big minus, and that sucks. Still, if it worked for Dooce, it could work for me, right? Dooced: To lose one's job because of one's web site. (Of course, it's more complex than that, but this is kind of what it comes down to.)

My Mistake

And then I chopped off all of my hair. And by "I", I mean W. And by "all" I mean "most." In a bizarre turn of events, the ex just started a Blogger-powered weblog. We are not certain as to how we feel about this right now, but time will tell. Tonight I get to own up to about 40 people that I made some mistakes, and because of that I've got to do something that I truly don't want to do. I've forgiven myself, at this point. I made mistakes, I've learned from them, and I'm never going to make those same mistakes again. But, as an RCA I'm not allowed to make so many mistakes as all of that.

Mystery flowers

SNOW DAY! I recieved a bouquet of tulips today, and a box of chocolates. It's too bad flowers and candy can't cure the feeling of heartbreak. There's no note or name or anything on the tulips. Today is sort of bizzare, Two hours later: I feel like my heart is breaking. It's the same sort of pain and hurt that has not a whole lot to do with anger or blame, just regret and sadness for things changing. I also feel like my face and ears are on fire; The fire of victory. The fire and burn of oil and gold and natural gas. Rather, I took 6-7 residents sledding at the station building. And, lo, was it glorious. I used the same sled I made freshman year once I learned to use the impulse sealer. A new set of freshmen using an old sled. My residents bring out the proud mama in me (even though I know they are not kids, babies, children), and I know they'll be just fine as they finish off the year. It'll be a little different, and there will be some changes, but they will be for the better, really. Everything still feels so bizarre and I feel like I may be in a perpetual state of shock still, but things are starting to sink in a little. Everyone's being really supportive, and that means a lot to me. They're adults, they will be fine, and I'm going to re-learn caring about myself. I'm thankful for all the people who care about me and all the people I have cared for, and the experience I've gained. Just wish I hadn't learned things the hard way.

Bonding

So, I'm playing hookey from my TA position to work on my application for being an RA again. One of my residents had questions for me about it, so I tried to answer them, and we're working together right now on our applications.  Hers is much more intensive than mine, but I want mine to be golden, so there is much work to do in general.  Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!