Chasing rainbows & Kevin Smith

BOB You're chasing Amy. (to Holden) So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - menage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic. So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk. JAY Fucking a. BOB No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away... [Everyone's silent Silent Bob lights a cigarette.] BOB So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... (takes a drag from his smoke) So to speak. Kevin Smith, despite the dick and fart jokes, never ceases to amaze with his earnest Frank Capra-esque (thanks, Karen) dialogs which can really cut to the quick of the imperfect human experience. Things are messy, messed-up, complicated and represent the shades of gray that make decisions difficult to make. Silent Bob is the voice of the zen master, wise but never preachy. But, just because you realize the mistake, you think you have a solution, doesn't mean things are going to work out in a fairy-tale ending. People fall short, forget birthdays for business meetings, and can't make the decision that seems so obvious to someone else. Thanks Kevin, for keeping it real. For showing that people can grow and change, but some things will always be the same (like Jay and Bob leaning against the walls of buildings.) Thanks for having earnest characters in an era where sarcasm and irony reign. Oh, and your Smodcast kicks ass, too. (And I liked Jersey Girl.)

Sad lips part 2

On the plus, as if detecting the impending doom of my former relationship, SiF (adults only, not particularly work safe) podcasted episode #99 on break-ups this week. I met up with my friend Eric who's starting at CalArts this fall (after 3 years off from school) and we had quite the talks about relationships and such, and as miserable as the end of a relationship is, there is, off in the distance, hope for a better one. Sane, rational thoughts in this situation are somewhat new-feeling to me, so I'm not as unhappy right now as I was last January. In fact, I'm not very unhappy right now at all. I would even say that I am happy. I love the writings of the contributors of Nerve (also adults only, also not super work safe) for their uncanny ways of describing situations of the heart, body, and mind. Crying In Restauraunts is a feature by Sarah Hepola for Nerve, and in Septembers' installment I read something that stuck to my ribs : I've written before in this column about the agony of breaking up, of the ways love can disappoint when it runs out of breath. But sometimes just as agonizing is falling in love. There is a temporary insanity induced by the nerves, the distraction, the hoping and not-knowing and fearing. Months later, spooning on the couch during a Grey's Anatomy marathon, all of it may seem so quaint and funny. But falling in love is scary and bewildering. It's like hoping for a kiss and bracing for a slap, puckering up even as you wince.